i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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