I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
