I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
