CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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