Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
