you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
