Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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