the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
