she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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