i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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