He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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