just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
