If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
