Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
