If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
