I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
