You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
