how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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