My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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