Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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