I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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