Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
