and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
