I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
