i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
