I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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