In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
