i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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