One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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