If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
