I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
