why didn't you poke me back
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
