Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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