Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
