Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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