1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
