Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
