You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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