i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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