We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
