I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I will be naked everywhere
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
