Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
