i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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