i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
