i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
