You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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