i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
