Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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