I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
