The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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