I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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